I don’t want to write this post because I don’t want to accept the truth of it. But the truth is, I’m stuck in a perfectionism loop. My coach defines this as the mindset behind thinking like “I can’t do X, but Y isn’t good enough.” And yet, that is exactly where I’m at with my movement habits these days.
For YEARS I’ve been modifying my movement habit, trying to work around my PTSD and more recently, chronic sleep disruption. I’ve learned to cut back the intensity (but it’s not intense enough, says the perfectionism brain). I’ve cut back the duration (but it’s not long enough). I’ve cut back the frequency (but it’s not often enough).
More movement would help me to feel better in my skin, to keep the angrier of my joints a little less likely to bitch at me, and keep me in the routine of doing something, so I’d be more ready to do more when I can. But the perfectionism loop prevents me from consistently doing something. It puts me in this boom and bust cycle of pushing more than I can sustain and then crashing until I’m recovered enough to try again.
What I can do sustainably right now feels so little, so insignificant, so uninspiring.
I love pushing my limits. I love having visible evidence of my strength and commitment.
Bodybuilders talk about their dedication and hard work showing up on their bodies. It’s a problematic narrative. I know it. If I’m doing what I can within my current limits, it may not be enough for it to show, but it doesn’t mean I’m any less dedicated. It doesn’t mean I’m making excuses.
But that’s how it feels. Like I’m letting myself off the hook and going against my identity.
And so then I get stuck. I can’t train right now like a bodybuilder, but what I can do isn’t enough.
My therapist often reminds me to consider how I’d respond if my PTSD was a physical injury rather than a more nebulous health challenge. Would I hold myself to the same standard if I had a broken leg? No. I’d probably still be annoyed, but I would be more able to accept the boundaries of my abilities.
I don’t want to post this because I don’t want to have the inevitable conversation about what I can really do right now. I don’t want to accept the boundaries of my current abilities. I don’t want to accept that growth for me right now might look like continuing to show up when my workouts aren’t pushing my physical abilities. That the skill is pushing my mental ability to accept the disappointment and doing something anyway.
Progressive Strength 